April 08, 2010

How Many is Too Many?

I am a People magazine junkie. Since I no longer subscribe to the magazine (too expensive), I visit the website at least once a day for my fix. This week, the site had a story on the 19th Duggar baby leaving the hospital. I know I should have avoided the reader comments, but I went to that section anyway. I'm stunned by the things people had to say. Yes, I know the Duggars are a controversial family, but so many people not only insisted the family needs to stop having children but also blamed the baby's prematurity (25 weeks, I think) on the fact that she was their 19th child. Some people basically said the family deserved to have a fragile preemie.
I don't watch the Duggar's show. It doesn't appeal to me, mainly because I have enough chaos in my own house. From what I hear from people who do watch the show, the family seems to be a loving one and the children are fairly well adjusted. Duggars aside, I wonder this: why do we feel it is our place to tell anyone how many children they should have.
When the subject of more children comes up, people often say "you're done having kids, right?" Why? In theory I get it: In this day and age, four children is considered a large number, four at once can be unthinkable. But it's not unheard of for families to have multiples and then decide to have more children, nor is it irresponsible. Having a large family doesn't automatically equal living on the dole.
I never imagined myself having more than two children. Now here I am with twice that number and I love my life. Families come in all sizes. We walk a slippery slope when we put limits on what that size should be.

13 comments:

Sadia said...

I think that there's a general misconception in this country that it is anyone's place to impose their plans, expectations, and abilities on everyone else. Hence the judgmental and hurtful comments.

I get the opposite. "You should have more."

Quadmama said...

Really? Maybe people think you need to experience the "singleton" birth. I get that sometimes, too.

Becky said...

So, I had to go check out the comments myself....so frustrating....the baby was born premature via emergency c-section because mom had severe preclampsia. It had nothing to do with it being baby 19. A good friend of mine experienced the same thing with baby number 1, also born at 25 weeks. People can be so insensitive. GRRRR. I still get the "so are you done" question to which I generally answer, I would if I could. People see that I have 3 kids and "assume" it was easy I suppose.

Suzy said...

I SO identify with your frustration regarding the, "You're done, right?" question. (My own mother-in-law asked the question, for pete's sake.) I usually say something like, "I think so, but you never know what God's plans are." After all, I sure never planned on having quads!!!

MaryAnne said...

I'm amazed by how many strangers ask me why we had a third since we already had one boy and one girl. Why does having one of each gender mean that you should not want more children? One of many factors in our decision to have a third was actually that I REALLY wanted Emma to have a sister, because my sisters are my best friends in the world. And I am still shocked by my fourth grade teacher, who told my entire class that my parents were overpopulating the world (they had eight children at the time).

Marilynne said...

I think how many children you have is a personal decision, hopefully based on your ability to care for them. I started out wanting six children. Then I cut my wishes down to four. Then, when the third one arrived I felt we were a finished family. I couldn't have told you from the beginning how many were enough. I just knew I loved children.

Kisha said...

I don't think it's anyone's decision except for the parents exactly how many kids is too many. I could see it being responsible if you know for sure, have been told by your doctors, that another pregnancy would be unsafe for your or the baby and you continued on anyhow. But if the doctors say it's okay, and you can afford it, procreate away!:)

Christina said...

Yea, the baby was born from something that I got also..pre-e. I didn't find out until after I had the girls how bad it was getting. It didn't happen until 37 weeks for me, I was so very lucky me and the girls were okay. It wasn't from her 19th child...seriously people. (not anyone here)
Its no ones business but their own.

Quadmama said...

If pre-eclampsia only happened once you had 18 or 19 kids, very few women would suffer from it during their pregnancies.

Kim said...

I've noticed a trend among people who consider themselves hip and intelligent to call women who have more than one child "breeders." My own brother is one of them. I actually feel sorry for childless people who think they know it all when it comes to parenting, because when life eventually slaps them across the face, it's gonna sting.

Stephanie Barr said...

Who decides? Not me.

I always wanted three and that's how many I have, but I'm the only one I get to decide for.

Meg said...

The Duggars are a family I have such strong opinions over - positive opinions. I really respect their decision to leave it up to God as far as the number of children they will create. They are completely debt-free and are able to support the entire family, while teaching the kids good values and responsibility. It drives me CRAZY when people say things like "look at their carbon footprint" and "they keep having kids so they (the parents) don't have to do any work", etc etc. Anyone who has been pregnant knows that it's NOT a walk in the park and I feel badly for the people who never had to do chores around the house growing up. Must have been nice to have a maid to do everything. ;)

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

There's something about being pregnant and having children that seems to make some people think they can just offer an opinion or a judgement. I have been taken aback at comments from complete strangers about how our twins were conceived. I can only imagine those kinds of comments can get worse with more children. I usually take things in stride, but it's really none of anyone's business. :)

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